One year ago today my family said goodbye to a man so deeply cemented in our love that this first year living without him felt impossible, because he is gone, but also still everywhere we look. You don’t truly know what you have until you don’t. There is little to nothing that I would not trade to spend just one more hour with my dad. To sit down, sipping wine and making horrendously ridiculous puns and jokes. My dad has all of the jokes.
The thing that self-help books never tell you is that sadness doesn’t leave, it just wears a different hat everyday. It learns to crawl and creep instead of running through your thoughts. It stays with you like a blanket of varying fabrics. Sometimes it is a sheet of wispy flowing silk and at other times it is a thick scratchy wool rug weighing down your thoughts. It just stays and we learn to keep going. One-year later acceptance and calmness have settled in, but sadness never fully left. And I expect it probably never will.
Tonight my sister and mum arrive in Toronto for entirely different reasons. Life is nothing if not a chameleon of change. You have to keep moving or you will fall off of your own sanity. My family is coming to the city to love and support me on this next step of the journey in our lives. The glue that binds our family knows no ocean that can separate us. (Either that or we are just a really needy bunch of people.) I am so grateful for them to be here and for togetherness, especially now.
I hate to be the reason to put everyone through another intense stress so close to the anniversary of the last. I hate that they will have to worry and that worrying about me will be the cause of some tears. And honestly, tears are just the worst. I am angry and indignant at my stupid heart for needing another surgery. But life is full of bumps and this next challenge is going to afford me a long arse-kicking life. So for now I can only promise to make it up to everyone with future laughs and interpretive dance moves when I am healthy and whole once again. (Trust, that is all rather worthwhile.)
I know that over 31 years ago my dad stood watch over me in the ICU after my first surgery. And I know without a doubt that he will be standing watch again. Reminding always and forever to be strong, kind and happy, because this time he is here, there and in everything that is love. We miss and love you more than there are grains of sand to count.
I love you, dad.
11 Comments
Remember , Tracy you are our HERO & we are all supporting you with our love & prayers .Good luck you are in good hands , so see you later. Lots of hugs & love Aunty Kay xxoo
With lots of love and infinite energy…. Dad will be by your side absolutely no doubt about that, , he is a force to be reckoned with. We are there with you too, we do not need to be a physical presence to radiate our touch.
love you Tracey, ask him to hold your hand…. he will x x x x x
Missing him to this day, and so so so glad that the three of you will be reunited tonight. Jim will be by your side every step of the way, I know it. I love you so much, Tracy! Huge hugs xoxo
Beautifully said Tracy. He is GREATLY missed. Anyway soon you will be rejuvenated and I look forward to our drunkard sessions, singing (shouting) around the kitchen table at Esperanza Alta at 11am. The word “SWINEEEE” will take on a new meaning. Something to look forward to right? 😉 LOVE YA LOTS!!!
You may not have heard a word from me in a year however, the time is now.
With every post that you have done, there have been wonderful memories brought to the fore.
It goes without saying that my thoughts and prayers are with you, Kareen and Trudy and rest assured that Jim and the good Lord will always be there for / with you.
Although you still have a couple days to go, I cannot wait for your first post-op post.
All the best. Ian
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I find that photo so moving. I hope I can be part of your recovery team, Tracey. Will be thinking about you and blasting healing energy your way. Can’t wait to shake a rump with you in the future. Love, E
What a man he was and what a family he created!! Really happy to hear that your mum and Trudy are on their way to you. Thinking of you often during the lead up to surgery. I concur with Ian… Looking forward to your first post-surgery entry. Sending love and healing vibes. No doubt Jim is with you now and will be holding your hand throughout and after your surgery… As always. Xo
I will be praying for you Tracy. I don’t know time or place so I will just pray all day. I know Jim will be right there holding your thru it all. Love and hugs I am sending now always Bernie.
Tracy I think that you know a thing or two about the heart because your words go straight to mine….and somehow always leave me a bit destroyed. That photo…guh
I – however – know a thing or two about the surgeons at Peter Munk and know that you are going to be better than new. I hope that the drugs are good.
All my love to you and Claudine and your family
i shouldn’t read your blog during class while the kids are writing a test! i started crying like an idiot yesterday! LOL they were wondering about my sanity!
the pain of losing somebody as important as a dad or husband never goes away, it’s just different! i have been hurting on and off, more or less, for the last 25 years!
with all this moral support and love that you are getting, and your dad watching over you, you are going to be just fine! i’m looking forward to reading your next blog!
love you and thinking about you always
heidi