Death & the Roller Coaster line up

To be clear, I am in no way death obsessed. Quite the contrary.
So I hereby place full blame on the Toronto Public Library.

On a whim I borrowed a book called Glimpsing Heaven – written by a journalist exploring the experiences of near death survivors – because it popped up as available on my library app. During this book reading challenge I am on, I read nonfiction ‘off my list’ books that seem like easy reads in between some of the more robust, heavier recommendations. I am not sure what exactly made me think a book about death would qualify as ‘easy reading’. “Mmmm death, yeah lets cozy right up to that” thought nobody ever.

I very much am in love with life. I sometimes think of this journey as the line up for a ride, our lives spent trying to speed to the end so we can finally get on that big, best roller-coaster. Only to realise that the line was actually the best part of the ride. The next thing always seems so much better, the next place, the next experience, the next, the next. I don’t want to rush to the end.

I want to get better at making this the most fun lineup ever, surrounded with all the best, positive, joyous, free loving, growth fuelling people, to stand with me as we collectively inch forward. Some just pass by to say hi, others stay with you the entire time. I spent many years trying to find a way back through the crowd. To get out of the line, to not look ahead and to desperately stop inching forward. I was afraid. In many ways I still am, but I am happier now to be exactly where I stand.

I have always been fascinated with what happens next, what happens after we get out of the line, out of life, out of time. Turns out I enjoyed reading about peoples experiences with death very much. The constant thread of dialogue throughout all of the accounts was an overwhelming feeling of love, freedom and light. In so many of the accounts they referenced absolutely none of the fears I had conjured for myself over my years of conscious thought.

My library app concurrently recommended several more near death themed books. The library is a vast and tricky place I tell you! So naturally I showed no hesitance in promptly borrowing another, because, well why not. “All Death All The Time!” is what I say!
Kidding, I never said that.

The second book was written by a M.D., Ph.D. and all the sweeping similarities in experience, that simply cannot be discounted and explained as ‘oxygen loss to the brain” or “electrical synapses as the body ceases to function” thoroughly fascinated me. The author referenced The Tibetan Book of The Dead; which is on my list and I plan to read in due course.

When my dad died recently the overwhelming feeling that we continue, that we simply do not end, settled over me. He might not be here anymore, but he is also never completely gone. Whether the science is that energy cannot be destroyed or that the core of who we are can never be unmade; I am not sure. But a peaceful calmness grows in me and I don’t ponder my own death like I used to. Also I am done borrowing books about death experiences for now. I don’t want the library to start to worry.

During my first heart surgery as a very young child some memories grew into dark shadows and they tricked me well into my adult life to think that I WAS that experience. If you are not careful you can become Fear and Sadness.
But life has flourished so much sweetness upon me and I simply don’t feel like any of that anymore. I know more than ever that this lineup of life, in reality, is significantly shorter than it actually seems. And I want to be in line for as long as possible.

So bring it on, roller-coasters.
I’ve got this.