Swabs & Sundry

I love the organisation of the health care system here in Canada. You can say what you will about the inevitable flaws in the system, but for me it is a thing of wonder. I got my itinerary for next weeks pre-operative check in. It is pretty much a full day of in hospital tests and procedures in preparation for the surgery the following week. This is my interpretation of what everything will entail:

7:00 am PATIENT MANAGEMENT CENTER REP    OTHER PROCEDURE
During this time we will simply discuss how early 7am is to have an appointment. In particular one defined as bafflingly definitive as “Other Procedure” I will suggest that in the future they should call it “Stuffs an’ Things” as that would be equally if not more descriptive.

7:30 am PHARMACIST 1 (space full stop)    PHARMACY CONSULTANT
Not to be confused with Pharmacists 2 through 43. Número Uno and I will chat about all the totally excellent drugs they will lace me with. I will act keen, but not so overly keen that they become suspicious and are light handed with administering the best prescriptions. I will make jokes like “so an opiate based painkiller walked into a bar and …”

7:45 am LAB TECHNICIAN   BLOODWORK – ECG
Here I will have my blood-work (or bloodworm as autocorrect has repeatedly suggested) and an Electrocardiogram. Which in short means someone in a white coat will stick adhesive buttons with metal nipples clipped to wires all over my chest and torso while having to occasionally move my boobs around. Awkward.

8:00 am RN RESOURCE   SWAB MRSA – VRE
I hope that he/she is an attractive nurse.
I hope that the swab is not going to be from any orifice that I would prefer to remain swab free.
I wish the word swab were not involved at all.

8:10 am PRE-ADMISSION REGISTERED NURSE   NURSING CONSULTANT – MODERATE PROCEDURE
The use of the term ‘moderate procedure’ is a bit unsettling to me.
I think the terms “TOTALLY EXCELLENT PROCEDURE” or “THIS IS A SUPER-FUN AND AWESOME PROCEDURE” would suit much better.
This nurse should at least be moderately more attractive than ‘Swab Nurse.’

11:00 am PRIMARY ANESTHESIOLOGIST   ANESTHESIA CONSULT – SDA MODERATE PROCEDURE
I hope that ‘SDA’ is not a typo for ‘SAD’, like the anesthesiologist is depressed and wants to take us all down with forlorn stories of orphaned puppy-mill dogs.
Just incase I will make sure to repeatedly mention that on the day of the surgery I would not like anything about the anesthesia to be SAD or MODERATE.
I will be wearing a t-shirt that says “all of the anesthesia, all the time” with a picture of a cartoon kitten with extra large pleading glittery eyes.

2:00 pm TECH #3 VASCULAR LAB   ARTERIAL LEGS (PVD)
This one is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. It is also the only thing highlighted in green, which makes it dubious. Perhaps I will ask multiple uncomfortable questions and say things like “what have you done with TECH #1 and #2?”
I will leave lots of awkward silences and stare at TECH #3 with accusatory, menacing eyes. Such is the punishment for having a cryptic title like TECH #3 and the mysterious use of a green highlighter.

All in all it is going to be a pretty long day and I am going to add one last part of the itinerary that seems to have been omitted.

5:00 pm DRINK WINE LAB   MODERATE – EXTREME PROCEDURE

An extra special thanks to my wonderful friend, Jules for all of her excellent nursing expertise to help me understand this medical jargon. (Love you, mean it) Also for making sure to remind me to shave my legs and clip my toenails for the Arterial Legs bits. And for the reassurance that the RN swab will most likely be from my nose and not from my butt. Nobody wants to deal with that.